Glimmers of Peace

Try as I might to abandon myself in this joy, I have wept a lot this last week. With the realization that this is the healthiest Job has ever been comes the realization that this is probably the healthiest he ever will be. Sometimes when we get exciting news it's actually just painful because it's not actually good news; just good news in context.

I have to work so hard at keeping my expectations in check because I've pretty much always been disappointed by Job's complications. This has been a hard thing for almost exactly two years, but there has been something especially poignant about the past month.

I don't know if I can explain it because I'm not sure what it is or even how long it will last. I feel a lightness, a joy, an exuberance, that I haven't felt since before we found out we were pregnant with Job. It's a struggle still, but it's one that I'm winning: (right now) I'm just genuinely so happy that Job is so happy.

Tonight I reread my posts from early August. I was so weary. So discouraged. So much has changed so quickly. I'm hopeful again. This month has been a respite. A beautiful mountaintop experience I will get to look back on while we're in the next valley, I hope. I'm finding it easier to catch Job's contagious joy.

I don't necessarily think it's just that Job is off oxygen. It's bigger than that. Something finally clicked into place a bit more the night after we got home from cardiology last week. Seth put the boys to bed while I did some lesson planning and when I came back in the room and saw them all sleeping so peacefully I just completely lost it and cried as I haven't cried in months.

Job is still really, really, really sick. But Seth has always had an easier time than me enjoying each moment of Job's life, instead of thinking ahead to the next bad thing, and as he held me and talked to me that night, I just calmed down. He said the same things he's said before. I just listened? Really, I'm afraid to even type this out because it all sounds silly to me. It might be a fleeting moment. But I want to acknowledge it.