I don't think any month could be as difficult as December 2020*. There are just some months where everything feels so panicky. So dangerous. That was December 2020.
Of course, in contrast to a cardiac arrest or RRT or heart failure diagnosis or ambulance transport, I can acknowledge that December 2020 wasn't *actually* as dangerous as past months. But it felt like it was right on the edge of tipping into that "really dangerous" level. Job's lungs were so wet but he was also getting so dehydrated because he couldn't stop vomiting. We had three hospitalizations, one of which started with an ER visit.
So in contrast, January 2021 feels pretty good. We have yet to head up to SCH. Job's throwing up less - a lot less, actually. Ezra's anxiety is starting to spiral. I feel like I'm still in some kind of fog of exhaustion and stress. Seth and Isaac always seem like they're unaffected even though I know that can't be true. Job cries really quickly and easily and is VERY wary of anything that could mess with his tube. Though, of course, crying so quickly about everything causes him to gag and and gagging often means throwing up. So we're still on high alert.
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| Seth's birthday. Job wanted to make THREE cookie cakes. |
One of our 2021 family goals is do take a hike every weekend, so we've already been enjoying that. Of course "hiking" is probably a subjective term. We're not really doing particularly long or strenuous hikes (especially because Job tires really easily so Seth usually carries him). The big boys transitioned back to school so smoothly, which was such a huge blessing to me. I feel like this has made everything else even possible this month.
I'm working really hard to be more observant of the many things I have to be thankful for. This fall I've really struggled to acknowledge any gracious provision - actually, I don't even want to. I just want to think about all of the hard things going on and ignore or minimize all blessings. That has to stop.
*Weeelllllllll, except April 2016, September 2016, March 2017, August 2017, February 2018, July 2018, September 2018, October 2018, November 2018, March 2019... really, we've had quite a few worse months but not for a while.
